What’s Your (Divorce) Legacy Going to Be?

Your present moment choices create the story you will leave behind

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Isn’t this a cute photo?

That’s me and the photographer is my ‘little’ guy (now nearly 23 years old) standing on the terrace of a friend’s apartment in New York City circa my-life-falling-apart. Yes, as they say a picture captures a thousand words...those both spoken and unspoken.

I still remember it like it was yesterday and yet, clearly many years have passed. I recall his grabbing my camera (remember when we took pictures with a camera?) and proudly directing me to smile and pose as he shot away. He was playful and joyous...he was medicine for my aching soul.

It was a beautiful, sunny day and a welcomed distraction but in reality, I was coming undone inside.

My life had imploded into a million unsalvageable pieces, and I was scrambling to reassemble them in some way just to keep our heads above water.

I was weeks away from having to leave our home and city and move back to live with my parents (yep, it’s true). Much like you in the throes of your divorce navigating the new territory of the unknown and just keeping it together in front of your kids.

Why am I telling you all of this and sharing this personal moment? Because I stood where you stand and I want you to know a few things that I didn’t back then.

As hard as it is slipping into the present moment with your kids when the world around you is crumbling at your feet, your presence is a game changer for all of you. While it may not solve all the ‘problems’ of your world in an instant, it will transport you all into making a memory.

Step out of the chaos and do your very best to keep your kid/s out of the conflict. Easier said than done, I know.

Consider what you want to reflect to your children.

What do you want them to see and witness and remember about this time? How will this story be told when you reflect upon it years later? When you look back when you are well on the other side of this tumultuous period of time and living a beautiful new chapter — how do you want to remember yourself? You are actually creating that legacy in this moment.

Now, don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean you can’t show emotions. Honestly, doing so would be equally damaging for your kids. Our children need to know that feeling feelings is a part of life, that there are good days and not-so-good days but that they are a part of this human experience — and we can get through it.

When I looked to the horizon that was so far into the distance I had to squint, I wanted my boy to remember me as a strong, grounded, loving mother who created stability beneath our feet all the while navigating the biggest upheaval of our lives.

I was a magical unicorn not because I was void of problems or had all the answers, but because I faced off with them with grace (well, at least most of the time).

As I often share with the mamas I coach, we don’t have to be perfect — we have to be human. When our emotions come out sideways in front of our kids, so be it. That provides us with an opportunity to show them how to be accountable, how to clean up their own messes, how to apologize. How to handle the bumps in the road. It presents you with a moment to talk to them about how you wish you had handled it. It creates a solid base of communication and trust between you.

When all else fails and feels out of your control, remember, you can create the legacy you leave behind.

Think about that and try to run every interaction, conversation and move through that filter and you will never go wrong.

Your kids are in the front seat watching, feeling, experiencing — they need you now more than ever. You need YOU now more than ever. Your legacy awaits...and may it be glorious. I’m proud of you already!

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine