Who Gets to Live Here?

Your thoughts and emotions are prime real estate — who holds the key to yours?

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Let’s talk real estate for a minute.

Now, hold on...I’m not talking about who gets the house or the vacation home — I’m talking about who gets to be in charge of the real estate in your head — and what’s taking up too much space.

You may not be in control of all the divorce negotiations or behaviors and responses of your partner, but you are the CEO of the most precious land you own — your thoughts and wellbeing.

You definitely don’t want to relinquish that to anyone.

The other day one of my mamas reached out to me. She was lamenting the fact that she had said too much, gotten too dramatic and too far off track in a text thread with her ex...and was regretting it. We’ve all been there.

I could immediately sense that she was full of remorse and beating herself up. That only opened the door for more limited thinking and self-defeating thoughts to come strolling in the door...because that is precisely how it works. We take a regrettable action and then pour salt on the wound.

We hopped on a quick call, something I think of as a recalibration call. As a coach, I don’t solve my client’s problems — I do something better, and more sustainable with lasting affect — I stand beside them like guard rails and help them back up so that they can solve their own problems.

When we begin to explore the hows and whys behind our thoughts and reactions without judgment and shame — and make it about us and not the other person, we can make powerful connections and heal old wounds — wounds that we may have endured a long time ago.

I think she thought I was going to scold her for ‘letting it rip’, but instead, as she recounted what she had said, I quietly smiled and exhaled. Feelings aren’t meant to be pent up. In fact, that is precisely why so many women finally explode in a fit of fury and everyone looks at them like they are crazy, like this just came out of thin air.

No, that’s rarely how it works. It is true however, that if we don’t deal with our emotions we need to be prepared for them to sneak out at an inopportune time — and then get ready for the fallout and cleanup that ensues.

I’m never going to scold a mama for getting out what needs to come out — even if it comes out sideways.

We are entitled to feel what we feel — and heal what we can heal.

Far too often, we mamas have held it in for longer than we can remember in order to keep the peace, attend to the needs of others and simply because we were in denial. But it never stays put.

Did she say too much...create a little mess for herself...beat herself up afterward? Sure, but we unpacked it — and I actually applauded her. She was ready.

There were things that needed to be said, real estate in her head that needed to be reclaimed and a wound that needed to be addressed.

Feelings can be messy — but hell hath no fury like a feeling left unfelt.

We can’t pretend our feelings away. We can’t deny the truth of what we see. We can’t suppress who we desire to be. Healing is about becoming all that you have denied within yourself.

And while the process of releasing can at times create some pollution, the more you lean into admitting the truth to yourself, the more you allow yourself to validate what you feel — the sooner you can move through and beyond it.

Your mind is prime real estate, mama — and you hold the keys.

You may not be to the finish line of your divorce process yet — but you can be finished with allowing someone else to control your happiness. So go ahead...let it rip...say what needs to be said, feel what needs to be felt, heal what needs to be healed.

This is your precious life — and your kids are there on the sidelines witnessing this all. What do you want them to do with their real estate?

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine