Who Are YOU?

How we introduce ourselves to strangers is a gauge for how we view ourselves. It’s easy to lose yourself in your marriage, but divorce is a chance to rewrite that bio

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If I asked you who you are today...what would you answer?

Let’s face it, it’s easy to get lost in a marriage filled with parenting and all sorts of responsibilities pulling you in multiple directions — let alone an unhealthy marriage to a narcissist or bully or one who just took up all the oxygen in the room.

Where did you go?

Mamas often lose parts of themselves along the way as they attend to the needs of everyone else. And slowly but surely, their voices get muffled, their vision for their life and dreams fade, and they no longer recognize who they’ve become.

Can you relate to this?

This is often the crushing and heartbreaking reality of denial, hiding parts of yourself and worse yet, pretending it was okay.

It’s not okay — and before you say, “yeah, but...” — I want you to remember that living an authentic life isn’t a zero-sum game which means that if one person wins another has to lose.

Recently a client I worked with emailed me to share an interesting transition she found herself within. I decided to share it here because I know so many can relate and benefit from this.

This mama courageously leaned into her divorce process even when she was so unstable and unsure, and her world had been rocked. As a result, she reclaimed control of her divorce, found her voice, got a new dream job and really started to trust herself.

When she started her new job, she said she found herself having to make many new introductions that required defining who she was. Interesting, right?

What would you say to someone who just met you right now?

Hi, I’m Kristen, I’m the mother of Miles, I’m getting divorced and I used to have a life. (I’m using my name to protect her privacy.)

Well, you might laugh, but sometimes when we are in the midst of divorce, we can’t see beyond it and wear it like a calling card...but we don’t have to.

I wrote her back and said, HELL NO! That’s not what you are going to say, and I rewrote it to include colorful personality and details that I knew about her. Then I shared a bit about my own divorce journey with her.

Initially when I was rebuilding my life, I wanted to run as far as I could from the circumstances of my situation...as if that would make them go away. Suddenly one day, I realized that the attention I was getting from people feeling sorry for me felt good...until it didn’t, and I no longer wanted to be defined by this.

We get to change who we are, how we navigate life and how we want to be defined — no matter how far we’ve gotten away from it.

I invite you to think about this for a moment.

How would you introduce yourself?

I’m not suggesting that you fake it ‘til you make it, but wouldn’t it feel more playful, joyful and positive to state it in a way that feels good to you right now?

Remember, you’re not defined by the divorce; and someone may think you're a badass for being so amazing even amidst it all. You get to decide what to share or not.

Consider this hypothetical response:

I’m Kristen, mother of a precocious and curious 5-year-old who keeps me on my toes. We can be found regularly searching for dinosaur bones in our local park. I’m passionate about women’s health, green juice and dark chocolate. And can be found either binging on Netflix, writing my memoir or planning my next trip to Paris when not working or doing mountains of laundry. Oh, and did I mention that I’m a single mom?

Again, what would YOU say now?

What do you wish you could say? How do you want people to see you? What if you started writing that...and better yet, living that?!

Go ahead, I dare you...tell me, who are you?

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine