The Problem With FINE

Fine is a state of denial that can convince us we are not worthy of more

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What’s wrong with fine?

Well, for starters...as I remind the mamas I work with...’fine’ is a four-letter word that starts with ‘F’. But all joking aside, accepting ‘fine’ as your life’s benchmark creates a downward spiral with ripple effect. It keeps us tethered to situations, people, marriages that we no longer fit.

When we learn to sustain ourselves on breadcrumbs in life, we lose sight of who we are and all that we desired to become. We settle, we make concessions, we play nice...we forget and we don’t dare ask for more. Eventually we find ourselves gasping for air.

In a recent session with a client, I recall thinking to myself as I listened to her speak, “well, at least she doesn’t have one of these terribly toxic and dramatic divorces.”

But I quickly realized, all this ‘fineness’ that she was swimming in was actually keeping her tethered to a place she no longer fit — and was seriously working against her. She was stuck and couldn’t see her way out despite her sadness, abandonment and grief.

It’s like never quite being able to pull the Band-Aid off.

“A bird is safe in its nest — but that is not what its wings are made for.”

~ Amit Ray

We all know the reality is that we don’t shift until we feel discomfort. We don’t look at what we need to until we are forced to stare the truth in the face.

No one thinks their marriage will end in divorce. No one walks down the aisle thinking this is temporary. And no one ever believes they will get lost in their marriage...until they do...until they start connecting the dots and realizing that they are drowning in ‘fine’.

Not all marriages can be saved, or repaired or are meant to be forever. This isn’t to say that relationships and being a part of a family unit doesn’t take compromise and negotiation. That’s not what I’m talking about. This is about unhealthy patterns that ultimately foster unworthiness.

I’m fine. It’s OK. It’s enough. It could be worse...

Have you ever caught yourself thinking any of those sentiments? Sure, it could be ‘worse’...but it could also be so much better — better for all of you. When you settle for less you are modeling for your kids that this is what life and love look and feel like.

It takes guts to look at root causes — how did this happen, what is this connected to, where did this go off course — and most of all, what can I do with it all now?

The answers to those questions are the keys to releasing you from the handcuffs that have bound you — kept you playing small, denying your needs and living on scraps.

Allow yourself to be honest, to know that you are worthy of more — that ‘fine’ is not a desired outcome. Yes, marriages end...HOW they end is a choice and an opportunity. It is OK to want more in your life — more connection, more authenticity, more joy, more truth. Isn’t that what you want to model for your kids? Don’t settle for ‘fine’, mama.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine