Perfect Words

Looking for the perfect words to tell your kids? Hint: there is no such thing.

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What do I say to my kids?

How do I explain this and help them through it all?

How do I protect them and make sure they are ok?

I hear these sentiments over and over. While the circumstances differ in every family and divorce — the mamas in our program are fiercely determined to protect their kids and try to get this ‘right’.

They worry. They come to sessions with blank notebooks ready to take copious notes and open hearts — eager to find the perfect words. They want to learn the script and get it down. But here’s a hint: There is no such thing.

That in itself may come as both a relief and a burden. If there are no perfect words...then what?

There are however, 5 core tenets to getting your kids through divorce:

1. Show up for yourself. You cannot fill from an empty pitcher. In order to create a solid foundation beneath yourself so that you are capable of making the best decisions in your divorce and for your kids, then you must care for yourself body, mind and spirit.
2. Keep the kids out of the conflict. Pay attention to what gets said and done around your kids. They are picking up on everything. They are not your sounding board and you don’t want to force them to pick a side, alienating them from either parent. Run everything you say through a mental filter before saying it (particularly the snarky remarks about your ex). Ask, Does this benefit me or my kids?
3. Be OK with not knowing the perfect words. Speak from your mama heart. Be OK with uncomfortable silence or not answering every inquiry. Sometimes kids ask questions that are inappropriate or that you are not prepared to answer. Allow yourself some space. You can even respond by remarking, “That’s a really great question. I need to think about that a minute...what do you think?”
4. Honesty, always. Of course, you want to present information in a way that is age appropriate, but with honesty, your foundation will be one of truth that your kids will come to rely upon. It is also something that you build upon. That doesn’t mean you don’t edit or discern what should be shared at any given moment — it just means that you speak the truth and don’t make promises you can’t keep.
5. Don’t tell them how to feel. While this seems like an obvious one, you’d be surprised how many parents (especially those going through divorce) get this one wrong. You can tell them facts and ask them how they are feeling — but allowing them to process and draw their own emotional conclusions is a gift to their healthy development. They don’t need to think and feel the same way that you do.

Knowing what NOT to say to your kids, is as important as what is. It helps us avoid saying regrettable words during the heat of an emotional moment. It also prevents the energy wasted from having to clean that mess up later.

Conscious parenting emanates from conscious communicating.

While your kids may be asking you questions and while you may be scrambling to explain every detail to them — at the end of the day, it isn’t the words they need — it’s you. They want your presence, and they want your calm energy. They want to feel safe and like their life will be OK.

When we take the pressure off ourselves of having to always have the ‘perfect’ words, we begin to quiet ourselves and slip into a more intuitive state. We begin to find the best way to communicate with our kids — and we connect to our mama instinct, knowing what they need in any given moment. Our children are not one-size fits all, and neither are their needs.

Sometimes parenting wins come in strange wrapping paper. But wins are wins and I guide mamas to see them, collect them and hold them close — and to realize that the perfect words are the words of a calm, grounded and heart-centered mama.

— Kristen Noel, Certified Divorce Coach & Founder, Best Self Intuitive Divorce