Parenting Wins...It’s Possible (Even in Divorce)

Wins of any sort can seem few and far between during divorce, but you can set you and your kids up for more

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‘Parenting wins’ and divorce don’t typically flow in the same stream of consciousness...but they can. Recently in one of our group coaching classes one of our mamas, who is about to ‘graduate’ the program, recounted a powerful moment that I want to share here because it could’ve easily been overlooked...and we can’t let that happen!

Why can we so easily see our mistakes, but refrain from collecting our wins?

I want to step back a moment to acknowledge that the divorce process can feel like you’re navigating a series of triggering moments, dodging landmines at every turn — many revolving around what to say to our kids, how to help them process their BIG feelings and how to truly keep them out of the conflict.

Besides, we all know that kids can hit us with some powerful questions that cut to the core, when we least expect it. That’s why it’s so important that we pay attention to their needs, witness their experience, create a safe space for them to share...and have a strategy.

Easier said than done for sure when it feels like life is unraveling all around you.

But back to my client. Luckily, their divorce hasn’t been particularly contentious — though it certainly has had its moments (as all do). The good news is that she has already secured a living situation for her and her kids, has successfully implemented a co-parenting schedule — and though not ‘perfect’, her divorce process is moving along.

Despite all of this, the next step on the agenda was the actual filing. One day, she received an email that her soon-to-be-ex (who hasn’t played an active role in getting anything done up until this point) had filed, which definitely surprised her, but also brought relief.

Her thoughts immediately went to the kids. Do they know? Has he shared this with them? What do I say? Will this upset them?

New territory presents new and unknown scenarios of discomfort. Just as with our kids, when we don’t have all the info, we often speculate and make up a story that’s often worse than the reality. The solution? Clear communication.

As soon as she had an opportunity to be with her kids alone, she simply shared the news with them. Thinking it would result in some big feelings and expression, she was kind of shocked when they looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and appeared to be confused with how to respond.

They were confused because they already knew their parents were ‘getting’ divorced. They had already had a family meeting a few months back when both parents initially presented the notion. They had already been navigating the 2 houses and the parenting calendar. So...what did this mean?

Finally, one of her kids just blurted out, “Is anything going to change for us?”

This mama kind of laughed as she exhaled with relief. “No...nothing is going to change for you guys beyond what we’ve experienced the past months.” And then they went back to what they were previously doing as if nothing had happened.

PARENTING WIN!

Why?

Because this mama, who by the way, stood exactly where many of you stand now — lost, confused, overwhelmed with emotion and unsure about how to get through it all — had successfully guided her kids through this family transition.

Kids are anchored in their own reality and day-to-day activities, friends, school, etc. When that boat gets rocked, they get rocked. When parents consciously agree to ensure that they will work to the best of their ability to provide a stable foundation beneath their young feet, despite the divorce and their own emotions — everyone wins.

This is a small, yet monumental reason why knowing how to help your kids navigate the process is one of the most beneficial skills you can employ.

Divorce is hard enough without all the added unnecessary drama and heartache. Don’t let your kids fall through the cracks — instead, go on and start gathering your own parenting wins!

That’s what I want for you and your kids.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine