No Is a Full Sentence

If you're in a high-conflict divorce, establishing (and honoring) boundaries is essential—and it begins with No.

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In case anyone needs this reminder: ‘No’ is a full sentence...and ‘stop, not now, enough’ is a complete paragraph.

Seems obvious enough, right? Tell that to an irrational soon-to-be-ex.

You’d be surprised (or perhaps not) at how insolent some people can become when we no longer want to participate in the dysfunction we may have previously tolerated. Welcome to divorce!

Throw a narcissist ex into the mix (like many of the mamas I coach are dealing with) and you’ve got a real party — one you’d rather not be invited to.

It’s not easy to trailblaze a new path, to break free from old patterns and establish new boundaries, but it is the path to freedom way beyond the divorce.

Sometimes mamas will share details about their exes’ behavior as if it is something new, something they never saw before that mysteriously appeared. But I gently guide them to realize that it was likely always that way and that they are finally ready to see it and stop making excuses for it.

The institution of marriage gives us this perception that we are committed for life — that we will ebb and flow and remain dedicated to one another. But what happens when one stops choosing to grow, to be kind, to be compassionate, caring and considerate of the other’s needs?

What happens when that behavior becomes intolerable and destructive?

When a relationship meets an impasse for whatever reason, there is no reassembling the pieces unless both parties show up.

You can’t control how someone treats you. You can control how you respond and what you will put up with going forward.

The divorce process stirs the pot. Nothing is left untouched from our emotions, self-worth, finances, child custody and our future. Even partners who are in agreement about the divorce can become triggered and derailed.

When they don’t get their way or like what they hear from mediators or attorneys, they can stomp their feet, scream and try to bully their partner into a different outcome. Worse yet, they can conduct these conversations and outbursts in front of the kids...a big no no!

You may have been emotionally bullied by your partner in the past, but it ends when you decide it ends — when you declare enough is enough. And today is a good day for that!

How do you do that? By taking baby steps. First off, give yourself permission to say, “No” or “Not now. This is an inappropriate time to discuss this.” If the conversation is not really a conversation and more of a 1-sided lecture...shut it down. Walk away. Diffuse the situation. Communicate by email or solely through counsel.

No is a full sentence and even if your voice had been previously muffled in the marriage, there is no time like the present to have your ‘no more’ heard.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine