We can have tricky relationships with money, especially during divorce — but we can also renegotiate that relationship and adopt a ‘head of household’ mindset
Maybe we need to lighten up about money just a bit? In case you want to sing along as you read...CLICK HERE...
Come on mama, it’s OK to laugh, get your dance moves on and have a good time — yes, even in divorce. It’s even possible to learn to dance with money instead of feeling tormented by it:
How am I going to support myself?
How am I going to rebuild and afford a future?
How am I going to figure this all out on my own?
I know better than most, how stressful the subject of money and divorce can be...trust me. I also know that I wasted a lot of precious life moments worrying, waking up in the middle of the night terrorized by my own thoughts — and ultimately allowed moments with my small boy at the time, pass by because I was totally stressed out.
Look, money is essential. We have bills to pay, a roof to keep over our heads and dreams to manifest. And there’s no denying that one way or another, divorce comes bearing a price tag — but so does staying in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
The key is to get clear on your motivations and relationship to money. First off, does the topic make you squirm or feel empowered?
Divorce is a good opportunity to reassess your beliefs about money. Identify how you feel about it, ask yourself where these theories came from (childhood? Family of origin? Your spouse?). And then get curious about it, not condemning.
Remember, a thought can be changed. The same holds true with a pattern of belief...especially if it is disempowering one.
I was recently a part of an impressive panel of divorce experts in various fields. One coach gave a piece of advice that really resonated with me that I had to pass along to you.
No matter what your previous relationship to money was and no matter who controlled the finances in your marriage — it’s time to seize a new mindset — the ‘head of household’ mindset.
I know this isn’t true for all women, but it certainly is for many — it’s easy to relinquish the finances in a relationship to your spouse. Perhaps you were happy to do that — and that’s fine.
But you’re in a divorce now. Consider redesigning your relationship. How could you make it an empowering one?
See yourself as a badass making bank, supporting yourself, your kids, the life you desire beyond this divorce mess.
Imagine feeling fortified with the knowledge of how to confidently interact with it and to make wise financial decisions.
What would that look like?
Money isn’t dirty or evil or ill-gotten...or just for other people. It can be earned, invested, spent and shared on your terms — and aligned with your values. There’s certainly enough to go around. And frankly, mama — you need to remember that you are worth investing in.
No one ever believes how long it can take to get out of a marriage, how windy the road can be, how many potential roadblocks and pitfalls there are to derail you, how emotionally triggering and draining it can all be, how not knowing what move to make next can delay the entire process, etc.
You’ve likely never been here before, so cut yourself some slack.
But the realities are that we need to deal with where we find ourselves at any given moment — and divorce needs to be considered a time of investment in order to get the best outcomes you desire. It’s an opportunity to clean up the past and to reestablish your financial future.
How many times in your life have you gotten creative with your money when you reaaaally wanted something — some new clothes, a vacation, a new handbag, something for your kid, or a house renovation? You get the picture. We all have different wants and desires and we can all be pretty determined at times (wink).
I know it may feel stressful to even consider spending money right now — life feels uncertain, and maybe you’ve already written a big check to a lawyer.
The truth is that you will be writing another one if you don’t get clear on your objectives or get grounded with tools, strategies and support...the lack of which will keep you spinning in circles endlessly as your attorney’s bank account mounts.
Divorce isn’t a time to wait and see how things pan out — or to just sit back and hope for the best. It’s a time to lean in, to make prudent choices and to set yourself up in new and empowered way.
You probably wouldn’t argue investing in the best surgeon for a surgery. Consider how investing in yourself could produce the results you desire — now — not later when the delays, the missteps and the anguish have left you defeated and raw.
You are certainly worth it, mama.
Take it from someone who knows, someone who has walked in your shoes — getting the right support around you is a gamechanger that will save you time, money and heartache. It’s also an opportunity to heal old wounds, rescript limited thinking and break self-defeating cycles.
Divorce is hard enough — you don’t have to go it alone. Are you ready to renegotiate your relationship to money?
If you are ready to claim your ‘head of household’ mindset and want someone to walk beside you while you do, consider investing in yourself.
— Kristen Noel, Certified Divorce Coach & Founder, Best Self Intuitive Divorce
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