Exit Stage Left: Leaving the Divorce Dance

Healing through divorce involves breaking patterns and stepping away from dysfunctional dynamics that have held you back — learning a new dance with life

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I catch myself saying this to the mommas I coach all the time...You do realize that it takes two to tango, right?

Marriage can become an unhealthy dance. Each partner knows their role, they step out onto the dance floor, take their position, cue the music and the rest is dysfunctional history...over and over and over again, never skipping a beat. We’ve all been there.

But we can choose to stop dancing at any point and instead, march to the beat of our own drum.

This ingrained dance can come in many forms — words, actions, insinuations, projections, expectations. It becomes a well-worn pattern...your story, your identity, your role — and your partner has theirs.

We can become so familiar with it that we don’t even remember who we were before this routine took ahold of us.

Until one day we do...and we are left with a choice: leave the dance floor or carry on business as usual. Unfortunately, most opt for the latter because old habits fit like gloves. And let’s face it, the unknown is often anxiety-provoking.

You mean I have a choice? Yep.

We are never stuck, despite what we may tell ourselves or how it may feel at any given moment.

If we are uncomfortable, it means that it is time to shift positions. We cannot un-see what we see. We cannot un-feel what we feel. We cannot pretend our problems away, try as we might. When a marriage becomes an unhealthy dance we can no longer participate in, we can remove our dance shoes and walk away from the choreography.

Metaphors often help us visualize what we are feeling and understand it all in a more visceral way. You know your triggers. You know your partner’s triggers. And you certainly know your dance. But here’s the dealbreaker...no marital dance can continue without the participation of two dancers.

So, if you recognize the pattern and know where it is headed, you might be the one who needs to take the lead and interrupt what’s about to play out. More importantly, you may need to learn a new dance.

“What do I say when he triggers me or tries to provoke me or pull me back into the dance?”

You simply respond that you are no longer dancing this dance. And while that may feel really uncomfortable at first, remember you’ve likely been doing this for a while.

Follow your heart. Say no. Avoid the conflict that ensues from destructive patterns. No, you can’t control the actions of another, but how empowering is it to realize that you can pull the plug and walk away?

Yes, it takes two to tango...but only one to break free from an unhealthy dance. Are you ready to retire your dancing shoes?

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine