Kids...and the things they say!

Finding the win in a hurtful comment can help us take a page from our kid’s playbook...feel, deal, move on.

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Just when you get the courage to take steps in your divorce, you can so easily be thrown off guard by an encounter with your child. Even a simple comment can make you crumble into a pile of self-doubt in an instant.

Look, I get it. I always say that when something is ‘off’ with my kid, nothing is right with the world. We can’t help it. We’re mamas.

When we are already feeling vulnerable, any disruptive, seemingly negative or upsetting comment can instantly trigger us and send us spiraling.

What am I doing to my kids?

Is this the right move?

Maybe I should just try harder and forget this whole thing...

Some of the most wonderful mothers I work with who are navigating their divorces with heart, intuition and grounded consciousness, simply come undone and feel like they are failing when one conversation goes awry.

I know you are the parent and steering the ship, but remember, everyone in the house is feeling the energy. Even if your kids are being kept out of the conflict, even if they are very young — they can still feel your energy, your spouse’s energy and the energy of the family unit.

It isn’t your job to pretend that life is a Disney movie at the moment, but it is an opportunity to help them feel safe, loved and able to share their feelings with you. Win. Win. Win.

The other day a coaching client who is almost at the end of her divorce proceedings shared that her young child (who is settled into his routine of living in 2 houses) burst out, “Why do we have to divorce? I don’t think divorce is a good idea. I miss you when you are not there.”

Out of the mouth of babes. OUCH.

Those words would’ve previously flattened her and pierced her heart, but she’s come so far. It didn’t mean that the exchange felt good. However, she could see the win. The conversation that ensued was simple and beautiful.

We don’t need to fix anything. We need to sit with our kids, their emotions and witness them. We need to allow them to feel safe enough to unpack it and process it together. Sometimes they simply want to be held. Don’t we all?

When we refrain from trying to fix and lean into feeling and allowing our kids to do the same, we are empowering them with great life skills.

And another key point to remember is that our kids live (and feel) in the present moment. We see things from a different lens. We often overcomplicate a situation by dragging in the past and future-tripping — as opposed to sinking into the moment we’re in. Not every comment from your child needs to unfold an entire life story with all of its accompanying baggage. It’s OK to feel sad, scared, mad...and to miss each other.

I think we can take a page from their playbook. What if instead of judging anything we just sit with our kids, their feelings and ask them to explain more. You’d be really surprised, oftentimes after a quick conversation and acknowledgement, they will jump up and move onto the next activity. They can pivot and leave it behind — feel, deal and move on.

Divorce leaves nothing and no one in the house untouched. That’s just a reality, but it needn’t be a sad reality. What if we just honored the journey and trusted that if we nurture the feelings of ourselves and our kids, we can all find a new way of being?

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine