It’s Over

When a marriage ends, you have an opportunity to begin new ways of being and interacting with your ex

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Do you want to know one of the quickest ways to put an end to your emotional suffering? Stop giving your power away and stop looking for some kind of acknowledgement or validation from the person you’re divorcing.

They don’t need to understand, like or approve of the choices you are now making (and vice versa). They don’t have to see what an amazing mother you are, or what they are missing out on or what a mistake they made. They are no longer your person and that’s all a waste of time.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, you’d be surprised how many women still look to the badly behaved spouse for some kind of recognition.

We can’t look for justification from the person who broke us open. Acknowledge and validate yourself — that’s taking back your power.

Sit with that for a moment. Explore where you have done this and where it stems from...it can go way back into our family of origin and the patterns that played out there. The good news is that you can interrupt these cycles. But you have to see them first.

Why do you want to look at this on top of everything else on your plate? Because when you start bringing this kind of awareness into your consciousness, you begin to witness yourself, your interactions and how you respond to life through a new lens. You start embodying the fact that YOU are enough.

Start with what triggers you about your spouse. Recognize how your energy and physical self respond to this person being in your presence.

For example, one mama in our program who is already living in her own place tends to get really triggered during the exchange of their child from home to home. Her entire body tenses when her soon-to-be ex shows up at her door.

Recently, he came in and started snooping around — making comments and asking questions about things that were, frankly, none of his business. When he noticed a few shopping bags with new purchases he made a snarky remark and rolled his eyes. All of which took place in front of their kid.

My client immediately tensed and felt defensive like she had to provide some explanation. Her blood pressure rose, and she stumbled over words. This old familiar dance with her ex ran deep.

We unpacked it and played out some different scenarios.

Note to self: Just because a dynamic always played out a certain way in your marriage, doesn’t mean that you have to continue with it in your divorce.

You have the right to interrupt this regularly scheduled program any time you want.

I always gently remind the women in our program that change takes time, so give it room to breathe and unfold. Don’t expect yourself to suddenly go from A to Z — meaning that when you are shifting a dynamic, you will feel perfectly confident in your new way of showing up with the perfectly scripted words. It takes practice.

You can begin with simply honoring your own boundaries.

If it doesn’t feel good to have your controlling, narcissistic ex in your house moseying around — don’t. Make a different plan. Your home is your sanctuary, your safe space for you and your kids to exhale, heal and rebuild — besides, you no longer owe anyone any explanations with how you are choosing to ‘life’.

Doesn’t that feel more expansive just reading that?

Consider where you can make subtle shifts that will protect you. You don’t have to make any monumental declarations or explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to. And remind yourself that your ex won’t likely understand anyway...so why waste the energy?

That’s taking back your power, mama.

Simple shifts can produce massive results. While we can’t control how others view the world or treat the people in it, we certainly can control how we engage or not.

Divorce is an ending to a marriage but it’s also an opportunity to let go of disempowering ways.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine