In the Mud

In between divorce and freedom is the mud — the murky unknown — but on the other side is healing

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I’ve always loved the quote, No Mud No Lotus, by Thich Nhat Hanh.

And while the mamas that reach out to the Best Self Intuitive Divorce aren’t looking to mudsling or seek revenge — and are looking for a different way to protect themselves and their children — they often get stuck in the mud.

Let’s just say, no one really wants to get stuck...but we do — and it’s painful to witness, but it’s also incredible because I know that healing is on the other side of that shore. I see it time and time again with the women I work with — the ones who have transformed their lives and come out of divorce whole and healthy.

The divorce process will undoubtably take a lot out of you (and your bank account) if you let it. It certainly can be a runaway train.

And though it typically isn’t a moment of feeling courageous or in control — though it can be a time of overwhelm, vulnerability, emotional and life upheaval where you are easily triggered and don’t know which way to turn next — it doesn’t have to be that way.

There are lawyers and mediators to call, papers to file, agreements to make — and wounds to heal. It wasn’t a single step that led to here; in some cases, it was a lifetime full of them.

Oftentimes, women lose their voices along the way and then marry partners that feed that dysfunction...until it is disrupted.

And when a woman decides enough is enough, her new life begins.

It’s not just about the marriage, it’s about all that contributed to it as well. This is a time of great freedom. However, that doesn’t mean there isn’t mud.

When we have the courage to declare the truth: This marriage isn’t healthy. I can’t do this anymore. I deserve better. I no longer want my children to witness this unhealthy relationship. I want more from life, etc. — we begin the process of stepping out of the mud.

If we are going to clean up the mess behind us, we have to first see the mess — and that’s typically new territory.

When we feel overwhelmed with emotions, whether its fear, anger, vulnerability — our trigger response can be to just go back, make this go away, make the pain stop. I get it. This in-between space is uncomfortable.

I’ve heard women say things like, “It would just be easier to go back than to deal with this divorce.”

But would it?

Sometimes the back and forth fighting during a divorce proceeding can make you want to run for cover and surrender because it feels like it will never end. But it will. When we are stuck in the weeds (or the mud) it can be so overwhelming.

But could you really go back? Could you pretend to not see what you see, not know what you now know, not feel what you feel? Of course not. And this is where you need to lean into your intuition and heart and ask yourself — is this what I want?

Can I live like this the rest of my life?

Is this good for my kids?

What am I modeling for them?

This is the thick of it, the real murky waters — the space between the past and the unknown future. You may not see a clear way out, but what is clear is that something’s got to give.

When we’ve been abandoned by partners or when we’ve abandoned ourselves along the way — we can decide at any point to make a new decision and walk down a new path. You don’t have to stay in the mud.

I walk beside mamas every day who are taking my hand and allowing me to show them a new path — one that is saving them time, money and heartache for themselves and their children. They are leaning back into their mama instincts, guiding their kids through the process and transforming their experience and outcomes of divorce. And they are thriving!

I’ve got to say, there is nothing more gorgeous than witnessing that.

Don’t be afraid of a little mud, mama. While it doesn’t feel good, it actually means you are on the right path and the glorious lotus, that is your next chapter, awaits you. Keep going.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Divorce Coach & Founder, Best Self Intuitive Divorce