I'm Just Soooo Angry
Triggers happen, especially in divorce. But explosive communication hurts everyone and achieves little...and there's always a price to pay in the end
Rage is venom to the soul and everything else it comes in contact with. Still, we feel justified to feel what we feel in divorce and to express it — to spew angry words, exchange scathing correspondence, to rant and rave...and then what?
I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
I hate what you’ve done to this family.
You were a horrible husband.
What kind of a man are you?
What kind of an example are you for your children?
Who says you get to call the shots?
You’re a total delusional, control freak.
What kind of a man expects his wife to support him?
You’re a total loser.
[Fill in your own rants]. I’m sure you’ve had them. Been there done that myself on many occasions. But like I recently told a client, explosive communication hurts everyone and achieves little to nothing. It’s like a hit of crack...a temporary quick high...little satisfaction...and a big letdown and mess to clean up afterwards — an emotional hangover.
What did we gain? What did we achieve? What did we lose? What did it cost?
There is always a price that is paid — if not just with our own happiness, we must remember that our kids are watching from the sidelines. How is this impacting them? How much are they witnessing, feeling, sensing, afraid of? What are you modeling for them?
Beneath all anger is fear and a wound that needs to be healed. It’s confusing because divorce stirs the emotional pot. We can feel up one minute, devastated the next. We can laugh and cry — feel rage, revenge...and grief...all at the same time. We can be energized and clear then fall into a pile of tears the next.
“We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time.”
~ Mark Nepo
Divorce requires a level of grieving — acknowledging that it is an end to something that was once important to us, a dream we once held.
Not all anger is necessarily ‘bad’. It’s just what you do with it that matters most. Anger can be a powerful indicator pointing out what needs to change. It can be a great motivator to finally make the shifts that need to be made so we can be the people we truly desire to be and the parent we want to be.
How can you use anger? You explore what’s underneath. You count to 5 (or 100) before making kneejerk responses. You identify what the feeling is attached to. You contemplate how you can use it rather than be used by it.
Anger in divorce proceedings can either be more gas on an already blazing fire — or a powerful tool.
I help mommas ‘keep it together’ so that they can pull the plug from the electrical charge that triggers them, stay grounded, make the decisions that need to be made...and heal. It is possible, even in divorce and in the height of emotion.
As a wise Chinese proverb states: “She who seeks revenge digs two graves.”
—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine
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