High Roads & Healing

The high road in divorce (and life) can be harder than you think — yet, also yields beautiful, lasting, healing opportunities...and happy endings

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This one is personal. (Yep, that’s a pic of me and my boy.)

I recently had a conversation with my son (now 23) where he shared some feelings about his father (my ex). The content was both surprising and not surprising at the same time. And as I stared across the table at this boy who had become a man before my eyes — I realized that the point really wasn’t about the subject matter conveyed, but rather that he felt safe enough to express it.

He wasn’t asking my advice about what to say or do, he was just sharing. And I was just listening.

He spoke with such strength, conviction, integrity and heart. He had come to conclusions I had long hoped he would.

But here’s the thing...no matter how hard we love our kids, no matter how much we want them to see or feel or do, no matter how much we want to protect and guide them...no matter what...we cannot tell our children how to feel and who to love.

That is a losing battle that is often waged by divorcing parents.

Look, no one consciously wants to risk the wellbeing of their children’s emotional health...but the sad reality is that they often do. And the actions taken during divorce can cut deep and visibly scar.

My son was only 4 when I split from his dad and honestly, he doesn’t even remember us being together. Our divorce was complicated for many reasons, but I was dedicated to keeping our young child out of the conflict the best I could (and the best I knew how to at the time).

Was it perfect? Hell no. Far from it.

I want to tell you that it was easy...but it wasn’t. There were so many times I wanted to tell him things I couldn’t. Why? Because he was too young and my ranting and raving would only hurt him, not change my circumstances. (Read that again).

Your kids are not your sounding board.

I clawed my way up what I call the ‘high road’ — the one where I helped foster a relationship with his father — despite how hard it was for me. Yes, there was a wounded part of me that deep down inside wanted him to hate his father, to side with me, pick team Mom, to never want to talk to him again.

But deep down that really wasn’t what I wanted for any of us. Those were the words of my wound.

Today, I no longer write from the wound, I write from the scar — and I see life very differently.

It’s okay to admit you have ugly feelings. Life can be messy, divorce even messier.

Acknowledging the pain illuminates the path to where our heart and our healing is being called.

There is a big difference between telling our kids what to do, think and feel — and instead, sharing our own stories, experiences, impressions, and emotions with them. There is a nuanced way to navigate this — to take into consideration your child’s age, timing, what is in their best interest, your motivations, and ultimate goals. Trial and error for sure.

Yet this is often the difference between a well-adjusted kid...and one who struggles for years to sort through the emotional fallout.

Yes, sometimes the high road feels like the hard road.

In fact, it can take years before it manifests before your eyes — or the conversation you’ve always hoped for is had. But your actions speak louder than words, mama. And as difficult as it may be, you need to have tools and strategies to help your kids navigate their big feelings.

Remember, you aren't alone in this divorce experience.

They are right beside you witnessing it all, taking it all in, trying to dance between two parents, formulating ideas about what love looks and feels like and how to feel safe to express themselves.

High roads lead to healing and healing leads to happy endings, mama, for you and your kids.

I hope you can feel the same magnificence I felt sitting across from my son during this recent conversation where I shared how incredibly proud of him, I was — and when he turned to me and said, “it was because of you, mama.”

I wish you a lifetime of these beautiful moments. Here’s to high roads and healing.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine