Hiding Behind God

There are lots of opinions in divorce (most of them unsolicited) — but judgment and imposing your beliefs on another is one of the worst

—

Warning: This may be triggering to some (it was to me).

You don’t need anyone to tell you how difficult navigating the divorce process can be — let alone coming to the conclusion that this is what was necessary for you.

And the mothers coming to the Best Self Intuitive Divorce coaching program are looking for heart-centered, intuitive, grounded solutions and strategy for themselves and their kids — not seeking revenge or desirous of creating more pollution in an already toxic environment.

In short, they don’t come to this decision lightly and neither do we. We know the gravity. We know the vulnerability, the sadness, the fear, the emotional upheaval and the grief that unfolds. In fact, we’ve walked through it ourselves.

No one got married to get divorced. This isn’t what we envisioned when we walked down the aisle. But we also didn’t imagine being betrayed, abused, discarded, manipulated, gaslit, etc.

It takes a lot of guts to stand up and declare, this isn’t OK, I’m not OK, I can’t stay here anymore. I want more for me and my kids.

It’s much easier to remain in the status quo, muscling our way through, pretending ‘it’s enough’, we can handle this — even when every ounce of our intuition is screaming, “NO.”

Mothers don’t walk away easily. They don’t discard the gravity of divorce — and the dissolution of a family unit. But when they reach their breaking point, they need to be supported.

Unfortunately, this is where the opinions of others arise.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about how we should live our lives from family, friends, co-workers, community — and especially our religious communities.

Now this isn’t to say that advisement from others can’t be valuable, but it should be solicited first. A mama standing on wobbly legs embarking upon this enormous life decision, staring down all the twists and turns ahead, all the big decisions and helping her kids through it all doesn’t need more angst.

She needs to be held. She needs to be supported. She needs to know that there are others walking beside her even if they don’t understand all the circumstances.

It's not our job to analyze what another should or shouldn’t do with their lives. I always laugh that I am my own fulltime job and need to keep my nose out of other people’s business.

Now back to the triggering part I referenced earlier: God.

Quite honestly, nothing could be more private than this — your relationship with God. We have mamas in the program from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and faiths. And we honor and welcome it all.

Personally, I love God and I have my own relationship that is very important to me, but I have also seen how people weaponize God, how they somehow think it is their right to judge another and speak for God.

I've coached women who have dealt with this kind of pressure, and I’ve received comments on my social media from people doling out their unsolicited opinions — preaching, condemning and assuming they have a right to judge another. Frankly, it infuriates me.

We are each our own fulltime job. There will not be enough hours, days, years to complete our own work. Judgment is anything but God.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout the course of my own life trials and tribulations, it’s this: The most judgmental people are often the people who are most afraid of making change in their own lives. They don’t have the guts to face off with addressing the red flags, seeing what they don’t want to see, acknowledging what they don’t want to acknowledge — or making a move.

Instead, they judge. They expect everyone to do what they do. As the saying goes, misery loves company.

There isn’t a mama in this program who hasn’t struggled with the enormity of this difficult decision. In fact, to the contrary, they are working really hard to consciously navigate the entire process with as much compassion, grace and awareness as possible.

They don’t need to be ostracized, ridiculed, called out or judged. They are very aware of their connection to God and their conviction to show up as their Best Selves — and they are figuring out new ways of being as they go.

Bullies hide behind doctrine.

This isn’t about justifying bad behavior, but it is about personal choices — covenants, commandments and laws of religion included.

And I’m not going to lie, when I first read some of the comments left by someone (a complete stranger no less) who took it upon herself to condemn divorce and even some of the replies on the post — I wanted to lash out like a fierce, protective mama bear. However, I quickly realized that I would only be doing the same...judging.

Instead, I walked away and didn’t engage. I don’t know why this individual felt the need to condemn and judge strangers. Nor do I know what she’s hiding from in her own life or marriage. That’s for her to figure out.

Back to my fulltime job and reconciling my own spiritual relationship...after I first deleted those antagonistic comments from my social media feed.

Putting up with this kind of manipulation is likely part of the reason we ended up in divorces in the first place. We are not here to judge each other’s life choices or be judged.

Surround yourself with people who see you.

That doesn’t mean that they tell you everything you want to hear, but they hold your best interests at heart — they want you to succeed, they want you to heal, to grow and thrive and to be happy.

And that feels like God in motion to me.

— Kristen Noel, Certified Divorce Coach & Founder, Best Self Intuitive Divorce