Finding Your (Long Lost) Voice

It’s time to be heard — no more stuffing yourself away, invalidated, disempowered, ignored

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Did you lose your voice in marriage? You’re not alone. It’s a common thread that connects many of the mamas I work with. Because let’s face it, we mamas can easily become masters at just going with the flow, keeping the peace, brushing things off...and losing ourselves in the process.

But our voices aren’t meant to be ‘brushed’ off and eventually they will demand to be heard again. Unfortunately, suppressed voices can find their way out in the most inopportune and overly dramatic ways leaving others to look at us sideways and wonder, “what’s wrong with her?”

It’s a terrible set up and it happens all the time. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow grind which is precisely why we make excuses for it. Until suddenly we awaken and realize, I’ve lost myself here. This is especially common in relationships with narcissists.

However, this ‘keeping the peace’ mechanism we employ actually festers and grows beneath the surface like a volcano ready to explode. Suddenly, the day arrives where enough is enough and you allow yourself to be heard.

Don’t expect that to be met with delight. Why would a partner who is used to getting exactly what they want, when they want, like an insolent child be happy with that outcome? They won’t and they will push back. They will threaten, be unkind, push your buttons, trigger you, gaslight you and do just about anything to regain their power. Think of a small child having a temper tantrum.

There is no keeping the peace in these situations. Issues never get resolved and giving in is only a continued betrayal of self. Marriage shouldn’t be a dictatorship, it’s meant to be about connection and communication — not a single voice and point of view.

Living with a stifled voice will backfire; it’s just a matter of time. Consider the toll that this unhealthy pattern of emotional abuse is taking upon you. Consider what is being modeled for your children. Then consider the freedom of allowing your opinion, thoughts, feelings and ideas to be respected and heard.

When we allow ourselves to be suppressed in any way, we live a lie.

We pretend. We try to forget. We attempt to hide. But it is unsustainable. And eventually when our voices find their way out, we are seething with anger — angry at our partners and angry at ourselves for allowing it to happen. The longer it continues, the further we travel from ourselves and our true desires.

I’ve had mamas I work with want to cry and scream at the same time when they finally admitted to themselves what has been going on. I’ve heard things like, “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what will make me happy. And I don’t know what to do.”

My response to that? Good. This is where the healing begins — with recognizing feelings and letting it out.

Anger is the voice of the wound that wants to be healed.

What are you wanting to voice? Let it be heard mama. You deserve to be heard.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine