Breaking Cycles, Changing Futures

There’s a way to help your kids not repeat your patterns (divorce included)...it starts with healing and breaking cycles

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I’m going to say something that may trigger some people...

Did you ever consider that your getting a divorce may actually prevent your kids from getting one too?

This may sound like apples and oranges and you might be wondering what one thing has to do with another; the answer is — everything.

When we take a bold step to shift a dynamic, break a pattern or let go of some disempowering thinking (or a narcissist partner), we impact not only the present moment but our perspective of all that came before and all that is ahead in the future.

Pretty powerful right?

The truth is that most people muddle through life and its discomforts. They are used by the circumstances instead of figuring out how to use them. They don’t ask the questions: What is this pain trying to get me to see? What can I do with it?

The sad reality is that if we don’t heal the wounds that lead to here, we repeat the behaviors again and again — worse yet, we model for our children what marriage, love and not standing up for ourselves looks like.

And while we don’t want to pretend that all is well and we don’t have complicated feelings at times — we do want to demonstrate for our kids how to navigate life’s adversity with dignity.

No two divorces are the same. No set of circumstances or life paths are either. But one thing is for certain, we can change our experience of life and divorce.

Even in the most powerless of moments, we get to take back our power and choose.

Hey, no one walks down the wedding aisle believing that it will land in an attorney’s office with a pen in hand.

Just this week we celebrated a mama in our coaching program who crossed the finish line of her mediation process. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride for. She didn’t initiate the divorce and there was a lot of heartache associated with that. Yet, through the pain, she showed up for herself and you know what...she healed in a big, bold, glorious way.

The night she signed on the dotted line she sent a message:

Thank you. I appreciate all of your help, guidance, emotional support, time to vent, cry, laugh... I never expected to be on this journey, but I am grateful I found you.

And I was grateful to have been able to walk beside her.

While I always recommend mediation as a first option — it certainly isn’t for everyone. In fact, I advise mamas going this route to really tune into their intuition and follow their guts as their true authority — to find their own path.

When things aren’t working...pivot.

It’s that simple...and that complicated. Us mamas have a tendency to withstand a lot and try to make things work. Here’s your permission slip to make a different choice if the first one isn’t panning out.

We had one mama who was running in circles with a manipulative husband getting increasingly frustrated, upset and feeling beaten down during mediation. We advised her to abandon the process and hire an attorney. This came as a huge relief to her and immediately made her entire nervous system exhale.

Making a different choice isn’t a failure, it’s wisdom.

Maybe you know which path will be best for you, maybe you don’t. That’s OK. But you do want to get clear on your desired experience and outcome of your divorce. Then you want to surround yourself by the people who can support you to achieve that goal.

Don’t get stuck in a story you no longer want to be in, mama.

Don’t play small or dismiss your voice or intuition. Start writing a new chapter today and make yourself the heroine who saves the day for herself and her kids.

What do you want your kids to see...a damsel in distress or a solid, grounded, heart-centered mama doing her best to get through this thing called life in all of its messiness and glory?

It starts today, with taking a bold step, no longer denying your needs — and divorcing on your terms — so that you children can navigate life differently and as a result potentially avoid landing in their own divorce someday.

Do you want them to have to go through this? Of course not...so show them something else. Go ahead...break some patterns and change history.

Isn’t that a worthy goal?

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine