Beyond Divorce...What’s Next?

You may have gotten lost in your marriage, but you can design what comes next

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Do you allow yourself to dream...to stretch beyond the grief and upheaval of your current situation and envision a new chapter of your own design?

By the time many mothers get to divorce the bar is set so low on their personal expectations that I often hear things from clients like, “I don’t even know what I what I want, I just want out...I want my kids to be OK.”

The reason is that they’ve likely lost pieces and parts of themselves along the way, their voices have been muffled, they have shoved their own needs aside in lieu of the agendas of others, they feel beaten down and have forgotten who they really are — and just feel like a shell of the person they once were.

I’m not talking about the division of assets, who gets the house, parallel parenting, etc. I’m talking about what’s next for you and how do you reclaim your aliveness again?

Remember, it’s usually a slow grind to here — it may have been years in the making, but suddenly you wake up and no longer feel passionate and inspired, connected to who you are and the dreams you once held. Worst yet, you don’t know where to start to get back there.

Take a deep breath.

The best part of figuring out what you no longer want is daydreaming and leaning into what you do want.

And that begins with some quiet. It begins with recognizing the ‘right’ moments; the ones that make your heart smile — and stringing them together. As I always say, those seemingly little moments are actually the BIG ones. Together they tell a new story...so you want to collect more of them.

Divorce can make you feel like the house is on fire and that you are running in continuous circles extinguishing one explosion after the next. But it will end...and you will get to the other side of it all. I always question mommas about what condition they want to be in when they arrive. No one responds a ‘hot mess’, but they don’t realize that they play a role in it now.

It starts with getting clear about what you want to let go of. For example:

I no longer want to feel muffled, that my voice is invalidated and doesn’t count.

I want to remove the tension from the house.

I want to laugh again, to feel playful and full of life.

I want to remember who I am.

And when mommas begin doing this for themselves, they can guide their kids to do the same.

Nothing stays the same in life. We grow. We change. We become, but we don’t have to lose ourselves in the process (or in divorce). Consider divorce a roadmap home. Don’t waste your time beating yourself up for landing here — praise yourself for having the courage to do something about it, for standing up for yourself and your kids, for declaring that you want more.

Life begins on the other side of fear, vulnerability, anger and pain. Allow those emotions to be the catalyst that wakes you up. It doesn’t mean that your marriage was all bad, it was a chapter that led to here. But it is time to write a new one now — one of your own design and conscious intention.

What stays? What goes? How big will you allow yourself to dream? Go BIG momma. The time is now. Design on.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine