Anger Management

Bypassing, self-medicating, denying won’t heal anger and all the emotions beneath it. Anger has something to say.

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Want to know one of my biggest pet peeves? When unqualified and unlicensed people suggest that you take meds...as if that is the answer to all that ails us.

You are going through a divorce, quite possibly the greatest upheaval of your life, chock full of anger, heartbreak, fear, anxiety and uncertainty (repeat). One minute you’re up, the next down and all over the place. What exactly is that supposed to look like — an episode out of a 1950’s sitcom?

The other day a client told me that her attorney told her she should consider medication for her anger. Honestly, I was outraged to hear this and angry for her. How is it that an attorney (or anyone other than a qualified psychiatrist) is doling out medical advice? And why exactly can’t my client be angry?

What are we supposed to do with all of those feelings? Society has got this all wrong. Feelings that are bypassed and ignored don’t heal themselves, they don’t quietly ride off into the sunset and resolve themselves — instead, they fester and grow bigger (and uglier).

Before I continue with my rant, please note that this isn’t about prescriptions, Big Pharma, or efficacy. I’m not qualified to determine that — and you may need medication temporarily or for a longer period of time.

But what I am qualified to say is that feelings are messy. And a divorce will dig it all up — all of it. It may have you questioning whether you need additional help (and maybe you do), but this world we are all trying to navigate simply doesn’t know what to do with emotions. We don’t have a nice, neat and tidy place to stuff them. Especially those of the female persuasion.

I’m tired of having to quantify experiences. Oh, it must be her “time of the month.”

God forbid a woman speaks her mind — or rants, raves and releases years of pent-up emotions that finally find their way out! Women should be seen AND heard. I’m in no way condoning ranting and raving — that requires too much clean up on the other side. However, I want us all to be cognizant of our feelings and our need to feel them.

We can’t self-medicate them away. We can’t pill pop them away. We can’t deny them away.

There is only one way to truly heal and that is to walk through the fire of what you are experiencing. To feel is to heal. No one wants to stay in perpetual pain. Sure, we’ve all looked for quick fixes before, but truth be told, we know better.

Back to my original point. Divorce is messy, but it is also temporary. It will end and denying your feelings won’t help anything. Learning to accept them, to sit with them, witness them, get beneath them, hold them, will.

Anger doesn’t need to be managed or medicated, it needs to be heard and healed.

Ask it what it is trying to tell you. Beneath anger is sadness, grief, fear, tears that need to be shed. It’s OK to be angry...actually it’s necessary. Don’t take up permanent residency there, just make it a healing pitstop on the way to your glorious next chapter.

—Kristen Noel, Certified Intuitive Divorce Coach | Editor-In-Chief, Best Self Magazine